Ever since the first handheld camcorder was put on the market in the 1970s, the power of the movies became a tool anyone could wield, for better or worse. Second only to when humans discovered they could harness fire, Sony’s Betamax changed the world forever.
No longer was the big screen just something to marvel at; now people could indulge in their own filmmaking visions, however amateur, corny or beautiful. Anyone could be a filmmaker. The evolution from Betamax to VHS, then to digital technology, and recently, high definition camcorders, have brought us to this moment in time, as HD makes the leap to 3D.
Sony is about to release a 3D Handycam, bringing big screen 3D effects to the little screen. Why should Peter Jackson be the only one to have this kind of epic fun? Now your home movies can all be in 3-D! Is this magnificent or a little terrifying, we wonder?
As with any new technological venture, there’s no social handbook. Just like the side effects of Facebook, like knowing what your pen pal ate for breakfast this morning, there are sure to be some things better left in two dimensions. We’ve compiled a list of the top ten here.
Top 10 Things We Don’t Want To See In 3D:
1. Your Grandmother’s Family Reunion Pool Party
You love your grandma. We know you do. She feeds you cookies and tells you you’re the best looking and most intelligent thing that ever there was, and you would never doubt such wisdom.
However, when she asks you to film the annual family reunion this summer in her backyard, you cringe thinking about your new 3-D camcorder. This might be one occasion to “accidentally” leave it at home. However much you love your grammy and grand-poppa, watching Grams doing underwater jumping jacks in her shrunken bathing suit or indulging Gramps as he shows you his Arnold Schwarzenegger impression while sporting a Speedo are things that just don’t need to be seen in more than two dimensions, if at all.
We think it’s great they’re so active, but we’ll avoid Wrinkle City in 3-D, if we can. You also don’t need to see and hear your great-uncle Larry’s boring stories that he tells every year in even greater detail, hairy moles and double chins galore popping out at you.
2. Hot Dog Eating Contest
Mmm, hot dogs. They’re so yummy and satisfying, especially when smothered in ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise,
pickles and onions.
Don’t hot dogs just scream happy good fun time at the town carnival? Yum, tastes like summer and feels like heartburn. Some hot dog enthusiasts practice all year long for their big moment, working through the pain, licking their lips in anticipation of donning bibs and napkins at their local fair, hoping to make it to the Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest held at Nathan’s Famous Frankfurters in Coney Island.
Yes, there’s a real worldwide competition and it’s been around for almost a century. This makes me feel both a little hungry and a little sick at the same time. I can almost see the sauces oozing out of buns, dripping all over competitors’ face and fingers as they hurriedly stuff pounds and pounds of hot meat into their greasy faces, hardly stopping to breathe, flecks of meat and soaked bread flying into the crowd.
Good luck to all potential Weiner Champions, but we don’t need that in 3-D.
3. Family Vacation Home Movies
We all love going on them. But none of us love watching other people’s shaky vacation footage.
Your dad may think he’s Steven Spielberg, but he hasn’t figured out yet that walking, talking and looking after little ones as they run in circles around him on a beach hike doesn’t make for the easiest viewing experience. He needs to work on steadying the camera as he trips and climbs over slippery beach rocks before going up for the Oscars.
Mum’s not any better, spinning around to pick up baby crying, forgetting she’s got the camcorder on her shoulder. We’re getting dizzy just thinking about it. No one needs that 3-D headache.
4. Home Cooking Shows:
Cooking shows are one of the most evil things to come out of modern technology. Watching people make delicious food
on the television, in theory, sounds like a good idea, because who doesn’t love good food?
But if you’ve ever watched cooking shows, you know the feeling of unsatisfied salivation, and you probably end the program with an intense yearning for a meal not meant for you and a frustration in your soul that what you just witnessed is absolutely unattainable.
Doesn’t it make you just want to reach through the television screen and scoop up whatever scrumptious treats they’re making to savor for yourself, closing your eyes and letting the dazzling tastes dance around your tongue? But you can’t, and you just end up grumpily craving a dish called something like Chateaubriand that you know you’ll never be able to pronounce or make, not even in your wildest dreams.
It’s terrible and you just end up drooling all over yourself, listlessly resigning yourself to whatever’s in your cupboard. Just imagine how tantalizing those sizzling meals would be in 3-D: so close, yet way too far away. Who’s hungry now?
5. Babies:
Oh so cute! Or are they?
New parents can hardly think of anything but their new bouncing baby, and we understand they’re aglow with a brilliant, blind love for their progeny. But you, the nodding neighbor or co-worker, aren’t the one whose genes are animating the little one, and you’d rather not sit through 3-D details of scrunched up baby face crying, spitting, drooling and vomiting.
And if the kid’s really little, it might just look like a little bald alien. Human babies are so strange. Or when they’re older, toddlers with chocolate smeared all over their faces, farting and giggling, may be calling out for attention, but you might not want to give it to them in 3-D.
6. Teenage Wannabe Videos
Now that every hack with even half an ounce of talent can put themselves
on YouTube, the possibilities for 3-D embarrassment are limitless.
Believe it or not, there are some young teenagers who have never known a world without mobile phones, computers or iPods, and most of those kids, who have always been told they’re special, are now better than their parents at putting themselves online in hopes of becoming the next Justin Bieber.
A lot of fantastic artists gain great exposure from self-promotion, but just think: Rebecca Black in 3-D. Terrifying. And that’s really all I need to say about that.
7. Business Meetings:
“Great!” your boss says. “3-D camcorders will allow us to film our sales meetings and look even more closely at how we can all better meet our revenue goals. We can look in very great detail how our individual attitudes either help us analyze specific contributions to company objectives or how they may actually hinder them. Here we have Figure A…”
You yawn. You blink. You feel your eyelids getting heavy. And you’re snoozing. No need for 3-D footage if you’re only going to sleep through it.
8. Insect Infestation
Humans are pretty proud of ruling the earth, but even the most formidable of buildings can’t keep every little creepy
crawly out.
Ants, spiders, fruit flies and the occasional moth or beetle may make occasional appearances in your kitchen, but instead of breaking out the 3D cam, just stick to the Raid.
These creatures may be tiny and live in a wholly other world, but we’d rather not get up close and personal with their gooey pincers, prickly hairs, gauzy wings or too-many legs and eyeballs, if we can help it.
Making Arachnophobia 3D does not sound like a good idea, unless you’re a teenage boy.
9. Surgery:
Some people can’t get enough of watching slimy pink organs oozing around each other as a surgeon pokes a knife around inside some poor unconscious soul, but to us, that scene in 3D is already making our skin crawl.
We don’t need to see the intimate details of someone’s organs squirming around in 3D. My stomach muscles are clenching up just thinking about it. I like to see my skin just where it’s supposed to be, thank you, that is, fully intact and covering my insides, not pulled back and revealing a network of easily penetrable vital organs.
I don’t go showing that stuff off to everybody.
10. Horrible Sports Accidents
Filming your best friend take a gnarly spill off a railing is bad enough, but to
make it 3D would be just cruel and horrifying.
Bloody, gory sports accidents look painful enough in 2D. We’d rather not see your brother’s head cracked open as his body slams against a concrete wall from whatever death-defying sport is all the rage these days.
Again, teenage boys might get some sick thrill from watching their comrades lose half their body weight in blood, but it’s just too gruesome to watch in 3D. Do you really want to make your mother throw up?